4. Why are we talking on the phone?
With modern technology becoming so prevalent why are you doing this over the phone? Surely you’re very busy and would prefer to communicate in some other way? Can you convince the nuisance callers to try and do the conversation over some convoluted device? Maybe you can make them keen to do the call over a software platform they will likely need to spend some time downloading? Do they not already have it? Are they as serious about being as active in the 21st century as you are? How hard are they willing to try to communicate with you?
Don’t blame us, blame ‘millennials’ (whatever they are) as a whole, we’re told they are shaping the future.
5. Let your freak fly
As you’ve had four of five calls this week and had fun with a number of different personas it’s now time to unleash all your nerd knowledge regarding something in popular culture. To be good at this it helps if you are massive fan of things like Friends/Star Wars/Liverpool FC/Stargate SG1/IT Crowd etc. To prevail here you will need to keep the mindset that the caller knows exactly what you are talking about even when they protest that they don’t. The most important thing is to be quick to reference every point the caller makes with something, relevant or not, that happened to someone who features as a part of your thing.
Beginning sentence’s with ‘It’s like that time when Ross and Rachel first split up…. you know?’ for example.
Or follow something they say with a direct quote like: ‘I find your lack of faith disturbing’, followed by the obvious slow assisted haunting breathing associated with the Sith Lord.
Maybe even start singing a song from the terraces.
What’s the worse that can happen here? Maybe they are a fan too? You can talk out some opinions and get some major stuff off your chest, like why oh why was the Phantom Menace so rubbish (Did you just give up George Lucas, in a hurry to do exactly what the studio wanted?…..it still haunts me), it’s free therapy. Otherwise they are just going to think your a ridiculously obsessive fan of something. Either way you win by reliving some scenes.
6. The reciprocal sell
The nuisance callers are trying to sell you something right? Two can play that game, try and sell them something back…even if you’ve never ever sold anything before in your entire life. In fact this lack of experience will probably make it better and you will relish the experience, perhaps it might even spur on a career change. Par example (French…we think):
You to nuisance caller: ‘Hey (insert nuisance caller’s name) I need to stop you there, what handset are you using? It sounds a bit crackly? Are you setup with a Trojanunicom Headset? I’m glad you called, a man/woman in your profession needs the most comfortable headset and the very best in Slicktalk technology (if any of these brands really exist, we’re really sorry). I work with the guys at Trojanunicom I could set you up. You sound like you’ve got like a 62 tonal cross spat (yes make up as much stuff as possible, this makes it more fun), we can get that baby to like a 98! You interested? How would you like to feel like you are wearing a silk head scarf for 8 hours of a day rather than some ocean clogging thick plastic cranium clamp? You care about the planet (insert nuisance caller’s name)?! Does your boss?’
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO NOW?