Designers Blog:
6 Ways to passive aggressively wast nuisance callers time
We get it, being passive aggressive is not for everyone. It takes years of dedication, pushing it to the limit and maybe feeling a little bit bad later on reflection.
Some (loads actually) would argue that it’s probably not the healthiest of personality traits as well. But when you have had non-stop nuisance sales calls all week it can feel fairly harassing. Is it time to have some fun with them?
Of course not and we would not like to publicly promote the sort of behaviour listed below. This is of course a bit of fun and should be treated as such.
After all nuisance callers are people too, sometimes really real people and should be treated humanely and with dignity….
…Or be given the run around because you have got excess time on your hands. But that’s on you, not us.
We therefore present this to make you smile and hopefully raise a giggle but of course never practice (you’re a grownup do what you like, don’t let us preach, if we told you to jump off a cliff etc etc)
1. Get in there first
After a while we all recognise the type of numbers used by the nuisance callers that have been hounding you. It’s normally regarding some crap that your not fussed on i.e. PPI, conducting a survey ‘that’s not going to sell to you later, honest’ or joining an investment circle (whatever that is). We get 0203 numbers we don’t recognise quite a bit for example. So if you get called by what you think is a nuisance caller hit the accept button, and before they’ve said anything get in there first.
It goes like this:
Caller dials, you answer.
You: Hello is Dave there?
Nuisance Caller: Um…….
Yes, it confuses the stuffing out of most nuisance callers. Didn’t they call you? Why would you be asking to speak to someone? This will usually throw them completely off their script. They will respond with ‘I think you/I have the wrong number’ or perhaps hang up, regardless of either it provides you with an instant feeling of empowerment.
Ok, so the elephant in the room is what if there is a guy called Dave (or whatever name you choose to use – it’s your gig!) in the call centre and this caller puts you through in a confused panic? Well in this scenario it’s completely up to you regarding how you proceed, how much time do you have? Can you make out that you know Dave really well from a past experience you and Dave never shared? See if you can perhaps strike up a conversation with him/her (not ignoring the Davina’s out there). How far are you willing to push this? Your call, your empowerment trip….
2. Give give give give and give
If you’ve had enough fun with number 1 (surely not) perhaps try a new game of making it all about you. After all, they are calling you, they must be interested in you right? Engage them in some usual small talk to get them all relaxed and not thinking about you being at all unbalanced and then go big quickly, go really big. Tell them about your achievements and how that was fundamental in your progression, it really doesn’t matter how ridiculously small they were. Did you perhaps win a Blue Peter badge? Maybe you got a ‘sportsman of the year award’ (which is really a way of saying you were bad at the sport but tried really hard….sorry to break this to you here)? It’s best to go off in a tangent here, unrelentingly not letting the caller back into the conversation. It is also recommended to steer very clear from the subject of the sales call.
3. The ridiculously difficult email
Obtain a genuinely difficult to communicate over the phone email address. You can do this for free. Then try to communicate this over the phone to the nuisance caller. Set them and you a wonderful challenge.
Examples of this might be:
DaveAtGmailDotCom@yahoo.co.uk
DaveUnderscoreUnderscoreUnderscore_82@aol.com
PercentageTheWordNotTheSymbolAndThenTheNumberTwelve12@gmail.com
MyNameBackwardsDaveJonesWithASpaceBetween@me.com
4. Why are we talking on the phone?
With modern technology becoming so prevalent why are you doing this over the phone? Surely you’re very busy and would prefer to communicate in some other way? Can you convince the nuisance callers to try and do the conversation over some convoluted device? Maybe you can make them keen to do the call over a software platform they will likely need to spend some time downloading? Do they not already have it? Are they as serious about being as active in the 21st century as you are? How hard are they willing to try to communicate with you?
Don’t blame us, blame ‘millennials’ (whatever they are) as a whole, we’re told they are shaping the future.
5. Let your freak fly
As you’ve had four of five calls this week and had fun with a number of different personas it’s now time to unleash all your nerd knowledge regarding something in popular culture. To be good at this it helps if you are massive fan of things like Friends/Star Wars/Liverpool FC/Stargate SG1/IT Crowd etc. To prevail here you will need to keep the mindset that the caller knows exactly what you are talking about even when they protest that they don’t. The most important thing is to be quick to reference every point the caller makes with something, relevant or not, that happened to someone who features as a part of your thing.
Beginning sentence’s with ‘It’s like that time when Ross and Rachel first split up…. you know?’ for example.
Or follow something they say with a direct quote like: ‘I find your lack of faith disturbing’, followed by the obvious slow assisted haunting breathing associated with the Sith Lord.
Maybe even start singing a song from the terraces.
What’s the worse that can happen here? Maybe they are a fan too? You can talk out some opinions and get some major stuff off your chest, like why oh why was the Phantom Menace so rubbish (Did you just give up George Lucas, in a hurry to do exactly what the studio wanted?…..it still haunts me), it’s free therapy. Otherwise they are just going to think your a ridiculously obsessive fan of something. Either way you win by reliving some scenes.
6. The reciprocal sell
The nuisance callers are trying to sell you something right? Two can play that game, try and sell them something back…even if you’ve never ever sold anything before in your entire life. In fact this lack of experience will probably make it better and you will relish the experience, perhaps it might even spur on a career change. Par example (French…we think):
You to nuisance caller: ‘Hey (insert nuisance caller’s name) I need to stop you there, what handset are you using? It sounds a bit crackly? Are you setup with a Trojanunicom Headset? I’m glad you called, a man/woman in your profession needs the most comfortable headset and the very best in Slicktalk technology (if any of these brands really exist, we’re really sorry). I work with the guys at Trojanunicom I could set you up. You sound like you’ve got like a 62 tonal cross spat (yes make up as much stuff as possible, this makes it more fun), we can get that baby to like a 98! You interested? How would you like to feel like you are wearing a silk head scarf for 8 hours of a day rather than some ocean clogging thick plastic cranium clamp? You care about the planet (insert nuisance caller’s name)?! Does your boss?’
Thanks for visiting, we hope you had as much fun reading as we did writing.
OUR PARTNERS
