We get it, being passive aggressive is not for everyone. It takes years of dedication, pushing it to the limit and maybe feeling a little bit bad later on reflection. Some (loads actually) would argue that it’s probably not the healthiest of personality traits as well. But when you have had non-stop nuisance sales calls all week it can feel like you are being harassed.
We would not like to publicly condone the sort of behaviour listed below, this is of course a bit of fun and should be treated as such.
After all nuisance callers are people too, sometimes really real people and should be treated humanely and with dignity….
…Or be given the run around because you have got excess time on your hands. But that’s on you, not us.
We therefore present this to make you smile and hopefully raise a giggle but of course never practice (you’re a grownup do what you like, don’t let us preach, if we told you to jump off a cliff etc etc)
1. Get in there first
After a while we all recognise the sort of numbers of the callers that have been hounding you. Normally regarding some crap that your not fussed on i.e. PPI, conducting a survey ‘that’s not going to sell to you later, honest’ or joining an investment circle (whatever that is). We get 0203 numbers quite a bit for example. When it rings and you answer, before they’ve said anything get in there first:
Caller dials, you answer.
You: Hello is Dave there?
Yes, it confuses the stuffing out of them. Didn’t they call you? Why would you be asking to speak to someone? Throws them completely off script. They will respond with ‘I think you/I have the wrong number’ or perhaps hang up, regardless of either it provides you with an instant feeling of empowerment.
Ok, so the elephant in the room is what if there is a guy called Dave in the call centre and this caller puts you through in a confused panic? Well this scenario is up to you regarding how you proceed, how much time do you have? Can you make out that you know Dave really well from a past experience you and Dave never shared? See if you can perhaps strike up a conversation with him/her (not ignoring the Davina’s out there). How far are you willing to push this? Your call, your empowerment trip….
2. Give give give give and give
If you’ve had enough fun with number 1 (surely not) perhaps try a new game of making it all about you. After all, they are calling you, they must be interested in you right? Engage them in some usual small talk to get them all relaxed and not thinking about you being at all unbalanced and then go big quickly, go really big. Tell them about your achievements and how that was fundamental in your progression, it really doesn’t matter how ridiculously small they were. For example ‘I remember when I was in primary school and memorised that 7 x 8 = 56, that’s when the times-table penny dropped for me. I understood that I could work out other sums around this. It felt like scoring a goal. But it’s not all been plain sailing of course; when my cat ‘Yasser Aracat’ died recently I felt an overwhelming degree of loss, so sad, such a loss (starting to sound like you are welling up here helps). It wasn’t like the cat and I were good friends you know? It was just there, with a silly name and I’d feed it and stroke it and we’d often watch telly together. But of course the telly hasn’t been the same since Neighbours went to Channel 5, what were they thinking? I mean they are trying indefinitely to replace it but it’s just not the same’…..see where we’re going with this? Maybe you write your own script.
3. The reciprocal sell
They are trying to sell you something right? Two can play that game, try and sell them something back…even if you’ve never ever sold anything before in your entire life. In fact this will probably make it better and you will relish the experience, it might even spur on a career change. Par example (French…we think):
You to caller: Hey (insert caller’s name) I need to stop you there, what handset are you using? It sounds a bit crackly? Are you setup with a Trojanunicom Headset? I’m glad you called, a man/woman in your profession needs the most comfortable headset and the very best in Slicktalk technology (if any of these brands really exist, we’re really sorry). I work with the guys at Trojanunicom I could set you up. You sound like you’ve got like a 62 tonal cross spat (yes make up stuff, this makes it more fun), we can get that baby to like a 98! You interested? How would you like to feel like you are wearing a silk head scarf for 8 hours of a day rather than some ocean clogging thick plastic? You care about the planet?! Does your boss?’
4. Why are we talking on the phone?
With modern technology becoming so prevalent why are you doing this over the phone? Can you convince them to try and do the conversation over some convoluted device? Maybe they are keen to do the call over a software platform they will likely need to spend some time downloading? Do they not already have it? Are they as serious about being in the 21st century as you are? How hard are they willing to try to communicate with you?
Don’t blame us, blame the Millennials as a whole, they are shaping the future.
5. Let your freak fly
As you’ve had four of five calls this week and had fun with a number of different personas it’s now time to unleash all your nerd knowledge regarding something in popular culture. To be good at this it helps if you are massive fan of things like Friends/Star Wars/Liverpool FC/Stargate SG1/IT Crowd etc. You will need to keep the mindset that the caller knows exactly what you are talking about even when they protest that they don’t. The most important thing here is to be quick to reference every point the caller makes with something, relevant or not, that happened to someone who features as a part of your thing.
Beginning sentence’s with ‘It’s like that time when Ross and Rachel first split up…. you know?’ for example.
Or ‘I find your lack of faith disturbing’ followed by the obvious slow assisted haunted breathing associated with the Sith Lord.
What’s the worse that can happen here? Maybe they are a fan too? You can talk out some opinions and get some major stuff off your chest, like why oh why was the Phantom Menace so rubbish (still haunts me) it’s therapy. Otherwise they are just going to think your a ridiculously obsessive fan of something. Either way you win by reliving some scenes.
6. The ridiculously difficult email
Obtain a genuinely difficult to communicate over the phone email address for your spam emails. You can do this for free. Then try to communicate this over the phone to the caller. Set them a wonderful challenge.